


It's You

by Harley_Quinn09876



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti)
Genre: Coming Out, Dialogue Heavy, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eddie Kaspbrak Lives, Eddie Kaspbrak Loves Richie Tozier, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Smut, Gay Richie Tozier, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, IT Chapter Two Fix-It, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Interns & Internships, Losers Club (IT) Friendship, Love Confessions, M/M, Porn with Feelings, Richie Tozier Loves Eddie Kaspbrak, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-22
Updated: 2019-10-22
Packaged: 2020-12-28 04:42:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21130841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Harley_Quinn09876/pseuds/Harley_Quinn09876
Summary: When Eddie comes to stay with Richie for a few days following his divorce, everything gets laid out on the table. Love and trauma, fears and honesty, and maybe they just might let themselves have a shot at being really happy.my thoughts on what our Losers went through in the year following Derry, and my shot at a fix-it fix because I REALLY couldn't get it out of my head.





	It's You

**Author's Note:**

> This is a talky fic with some feelingsy fluffy smut later on. I just basically wanted our boys to have a real chance to hash everything out a bit, and they have a lot to talk out. It's a traumatized bunch :/  
Spoiler free TW list to follow. A more detailed list with spoilers in the bottom notes if you feel you need it. Nothing is shown. Only discussed.  
TW: self harm, drug use, eating disorder, homophobic language

Richie almost missed the phone call because he was in the shower. It was on its final ring when he managed to dry his hand enough to pick up the call and punch speaker.

“Hi!” he shouted at the phone as he scrubbed his hair dry.

“Hey Rich” said a very familiar voice on the other end. 

“Eddie Spaghetti as I live and breathe! How the hell are ya?” he hollered as he shoved his glasses on his face and wrapped a towel around his waist. He picked up the phone properly and shouldered open the bathroom door. 

“I’m alright, did I interrupt something?” Eddie asked, he sounded almost embarrassed. 

“Nah, just getting out of the shower” he flopped half naked on his sofa, smiling like a fool. It felt so good hearing Eddies voice. “So what’s up?”

“Ah bad timing, sorry. Well I’m uh… well I’m actually coming to L.A for a bit.”

“Oh no shit! When?”

“Uh, tomorrow.” Eddie sounded sheepish.

“So soon?”

“Yeah it was kind of a spur of the moment. Work is sending me to some training conference thing, I didn’t want to go, I fucking hate flying, airplanes, with all those people and the recycled air its just… so unsanitary…” Richie rolled his eyes, he could practically hear Eddie shuddering, “but my boss made it pretty clear that because I’ve missed so much work this year it was mandatory.”

“Oh, fuck yeah, I guess. Well, how long will you be here?”

“Four days.”

“Well then you’ll come stay with me.”

“Oh no… Rich, I didn’t mean to imply…”

“Nope!" Richie cut him off “its decided.”

“I dunno Rich, I remember the state your room used to be in…”

“You wound me Eds” Richie said dramatically, “I’m a grown ass man who’s perfectly capable of keeping his house in order.”

“Mkay well I’ll believe that when I see it” Eddie griped, but he sounded amused.

_ Was there a hint of relief in his voice? _

They spent another couple minutes hashing out details and then said goodbye. Richie was still grinning when he hung up the phone, not bothering to hide how excited he was at the prospect of four days of Eddie.

He hadn’t seen any of The Losers in person in the year since they left Derry for the last, and hopefully final, time, and there had been a gap of time in there were Richie had gone completely radio silent. When he did come back, with brash hello and a ridiculous joke, Bev had lost her shit. She called him immediately and reamed him out for a good half hour, telling him how they were all so scared that something had happened, or that he’d forgotten again, and what a selfish son of a bitch he was. 

Richie let her rant, he apologized, told her that he was struggling with what he’d seen in the deadlights. This wasn’t a lie, but it wasn’t the reason he’d gone offline, but he knew Bev would get it, and hopefully she wouldn’t push him for more. It worked. 

After that, they all talked a lot more, all the time really, there wasn't usually a day where someone didn’t say something in the group chat. Richie talked to Bev a bit more than the others. Occasional long, late night for him, early morning for her phonecalls. They were the only two who had looked into the deadlights, and he mostly let her talk about her persisting nightmares, she’d looked for a lot longer than he had afterall.

It was hard, Richie felt torn between wanting to let it all go, move on with his life, his job, just get the fuck away from the craziness altogether, and wanting to gather all The Losers together in some old house and live like a big weird awkward family and never be seperated from them again. 

Richie was never good at balance. 

This would be the the first time he’d seen a Loser in person since Derry, and it was Eds. Richie was thrilled as he glanced around his perfectly well kept apartment. 

_ Fuck, I have to clean. _

The buzzer shouted at 8:15 pm the next evening and Richie pressed the button to talk

“Tozier.”

“Buzz me in asshole,” Richie laughed. He pressed the button and heard the door click through the speaker before moving to unlock his apartment door. 

Eddie arrived a few minutes later wrestling two giant suitcases and a backpack out of the lift. Richie leaned on the doorframe and watched him struggle. 

“You moving in Kaspbrak?”

“Shut up” Eddie said as he shuffled the suitcases down the hall and through the door. Richie raised his eyebrows and followed him into the living room, shutting the door behind him. 

“Seriously, you did say four days and not forty right? I just want to know what I’m getting into.” Eddie huffed and dropped the bags. 

“Yes I said four, but come on it’s me, when have I ever travelled light.” Richie didn’t answer, just slung one arm around Eddies shoulders and dragged him into his chest for a tight hug which Eddie reciprocated, arms wrapped almost double around Richies waist. 

Richie flat out refused to think about how fucking _ good _it felt to have Eddie Kaspbrak in his arms again. Alive, and standing, and hugging him back. The last time he’d held him was much less pleasant.

Suddenly, a visceral memory of a gaping hole and blood pouring all over him, hot and violently red, shoved its way into his mind with such aggression he swore he felt the stickiness on his hands, and Richie let go. 

“Fucking good to see you man” he said quickly to cover for himself then picked up one of Eddies bags and hauled it off to his guest room.

“You know, I half expected you to live in a flop house” Eddie said as he followed him down the hall with the other bag.

“Ha ha dickhead, you know I do actually have a reasonably successful career.”

“Yeah, but a flop house seems just so much more your style” Eddie scoffed “This is actually nice, oof!” Richie had stopped abruptly so that Eddie would bang into him before chuckling and opening the guest room door. “Ow fuck you” Eddie gripped as Richie tossed his bag on the floor haphazardly just because he knew it would bug him. Eddie rolled his eyes.

“God I hope your bathroom isn’t nasty, I need a fucking shower, planes are so disgusting...” Eddie started muttering about airborne viruses and Richie just pointed him in the direction of the bathroom and wandered off to order supper while Eddie cleaned up.

As seemed to be the way with The Losers, they fell into a kind of easy companionship. Just like old times, they bickered and teased and chatted and caught each other up on their lives. 

They ate thai food and cracked open a bottle of Glenfiddich and now they sat across from one another, Eddie in Richies armchair and Richie stretched out on the sofa with his feet on the coffee table, still talking, hours later. 

Eddie checked his phone for the umptenth time and his lips pinched briefly before he pocketed it again. 

“The uh, old lady checking up on you?” Richie quipped as he poured himself another two fingers. 

“Something like that” Eddie mumbled extending his glass for a top up. 

“What’s going on Eds?” Richie asked sincerely. He felt bad for the sick little schadenfreude feelings he got from hearing about Eddie’s marital problems. 

It wasn’t because he wanted Eddie to be unhappy, god no, there was just a vindictive, bitchy, awful piece of him that wanted Eddie to be happy with _him_. And he got a bit of satisfaction out of being given an opportunity to tell Eddie he ought to leave her. 

_ I’m a fucking hopless piece of shit. _

“It’s…” Eddie started, then he sucked in a breath, pulled out his phone, unlocked it and tossed it to Richie who looked at it confused as Eddie knocked back his drink in one gulp and reached out for a refill. 

There were 32 missed calls and over 50 text messages, all from Myra. Richie didn’t read the texts so much as briefly glanced through them enough to suss out what had happened. His eyes went wide as he looked up at Eddie. 

“You fucking left her?” He almost shouted. Eddie clenched and unclenched his jaw, staring into his glass for a second and nodding. Richie grinned, wide and a little wild, reaching through the space between them to clap him on the shoulder. “Fucking good for you man! About goddamn time!” He poured Eddie another and raised his own glass. “To your fucking freedom my friend!” He said brightly, refusing to admit that part of the joy he felt was purely selfish. They clinked their glasses together. “So when did you do it?” Richie asked as he took a sip.

“Uh well… how long have we been chatting” Eddie checked his watch, “yeah like, four? Five hours ago?” Richie nearly choked on his drink and Eddie looked a bit sheepish. 

“You served her while you were out of town on business?” he asked incredulous. Eddie nodded and a moment hung in the air before Richie laughed, “well she _ absolutely _thinks you’re having an affair.” Eddie returned the laugher.

“Yeah probably. You know what?” He raised his glass again, “fuck her, she can think what she fucking wants, I don’t care anymore.” he said with a lopsided smile, a mannerism he’d developed when he’d still had stitches in his face. Richie clinked their glasses perhaps a little more aggressively than necessary 

“Damn straight. Do the other guys know yet?” 

“They knew I was leaving her, but I you’re the first I told that I’d actually done it.” Richie felt a little hum of pride. Eddie continued. “Right after I was pretty well healed up Bill called me and said he was in town doing a media thing for his new book and asked if I was mobile enough to meet up. He and I cooked up this little scheme to get the band together.” Richie was quiet.

_ That’s what you get for being weak Tozier. _

“I managed to convince Myra that after taking such good care of me that she deserved a little holiday with her sister.” Eddie rolled his eyes “Then Bill got the other guys organized and they all crashed in my living room for two days like the sleepovers we used to have when we were kids. You remember?” Richie felt a stab of jealousy that felt like a knife to the heart.

_ A Pennywise claw to the sternum. _

“Yeah, yeah I remember.” he choked trying to not sound as jealous as he felt. 

“Thats when I told them I was working on leaving her as soon as I was well enough to be alone." He paused, "we all really missed you Richie” Eddie added softly.

_ No you fucking didn't._

“Yeah, guess that was right in the middle of my blackout period hey? Well, I’m glad you had a good time.” Eddie swirled his drink and Richie put his down. He was done, any more to drink tonight and he might do something stupid. 

“You ever going to tell me what happened there?” Eddie almost whispered. Richie looked up, Eddies eyes staring into his soul, just like always. He cleared his throat.

“Don’t you have a work thing tomorrow? Maybe we should call it a night hey?” He said standing up abruptly, gathering up the takeout containers.

“Right” Eddie said sounding defeated. 

“Where is this place anyway?” Richie asked trying to change the subject as he dumped takeout containers in the bin. “I can drive you?”

“No” Eddie said, a bit quickly Richie thought “I mean, The company set me up with a rental car so I’m good.” 

“You came here in a taxi.” Richie said, remembering Eddie bitching about the driver earlier. 

“Yeah, I’m picking it up tomorrow.”

“Don’t you usually get rental cars at the airport?” Richie asked, brow furrowing as he turned around.

“I guess not always” Eddie shrugged. This was all very out of character, Eddie was _ meticulous _ and he hated travelling so he planned everything down to the second. 

“Why are you lying, man?”

“I’m not!” Eddie snapped 

“Yeah you fucking are, I just don’t know about what.” Eddie pinched the bridge of his nose and Richie watched his hand flutter near his pocket, reaching for an inhaler out of sheer muscle memory. When it wasn't there he just clenched his fist by his side. 

“Richie, I’ve had a really fucking long day, I despise flying, I just divorced my fucking _ wife _ and I have to be up early for some godforsaken training session tomorrow to learn things I already know.” He exhaled deeply, “you’re right, I’m tired, I’m going to bed. I’ll see you tomorrow, Rich.” And with that he turned on his heel and walked down the hall, abandoning Richie in the kitchen. 

_ Why the fuck is he here _. 

Richie drummed his fingers on the counter top and listened to the sounds of water running in his bathroom as Eddie got ready for bed. The bathroom door opened and then a second later the bedroom door shut_ . _

Richie hesitated before walking down the hallway. He wasn’t looking for a fight, he _ really _ wasn’t, the last thing in the world he wanted to do was fight with Eddie in their few days together, but he _ had _ to know why Eddie seemed off. 

His feet had found their way down his hallway and he tapped twice before pushing open the door and leaning heavily on the frame.

“Why are you here?” he asked as Eddie rifled through his open suitcase. He was wearing soft looking sweatpants and a loose grey sweatshirt that was too big on him, the arms were too long and covered his hands to the first knuckle and it hung open and loose around his neck showing off his collar bones. Richie tried not to stare. 

“I told you” Eddie sighed as he folded up the shirt he’d been wearing earlier and tucked it into a plastic bag to be washed later. Ever the clean freak. 

“No, I know, work, but like… why… _ here _” He couldn’t seem to articulate what he was asking. 

_ Why did you come see me? _

“Because this is where work sent me,” Eddie sounded irritated now.  
“Oh so, your New York job sent you all the way across the country for training? After you got in trouble for all the time you took off? That seems weird, there weren't closer places?”

“So what if there was? Maybe I wanted to come _ here _Rich. Maybe I saw an opportunity to get out of town and be near a friend while I got a nasty divorce so I took it.” 

Eddie was mad now, but Richie still didn’t get it. Why _ him _ he was obviously not the best emotional support friend Eddie had.

_ I almost let you fucking die, then I didn’t talk to you, any of you for weeks. _

“Why not Bev and Ben? They are closer and already knew that you were going to leave her… lord knows Bev understands messy divorces…”

“What if I just wanted to see _ you _ Rich… did you think about that?” Eddie suddenly snapped stepping towards him, a frown creasing his features. “Maybe I just missed _ you.” _Richie’s mouth opened to respond, to argue, to ask why again, but Eddie cut him off sharply.

“Because, like I said, I saw everyone else recently, and honestly, most of what we talked about was you.” Richie winced as Eddie started pacing the room, “None of us had any information! Seriously man, where the hell did you go? You know, you go full fucking blackout for a month and then come back like nothing happened all “hey guys did you miss me?””

“I had to get back to my life, my career…”

“So did all of us!” Eddie almost shouted, “so did I! You try explaining to literally anyone in your normal life why you spontaneously took a vacation to your hometown out of the clear blue sky only to come back with a hole punched through your chest!” 

“That is not fair” Richie barked, frowning “I stayed in that fucking hospital with you. I stayed for _ weeks _! I stayed until your fucking wife threw me out, so what was I supposed to do after that?”

“I know” Eddie replied, he wasn’t yelling anymore but his voice had gone high and strained “and I appreciate it but once you left, you talked for a little bit and then you were just _ gone _!” 

“I was just… processing, okay we’d gone through a lot…”

“Exactly! _ We! We _ had gone through a lot, not just _ you _.”

_ I went through more than you will ever understand you fucking dick. _

He dug his hands into his pockets, shoulders tense. Anger and heartache and frustration swirled through his head, clouding his vision. Eddie was still talking.

“We’re supposed to be a team, Richie, a family, the only 6 people on this planet who even know what the fuck happened to us. We needed you as much as you needed us!”

“Maybe I didn’t need you” Richie hissed.

_ Liar. _

_ “ _Bullshit” Eddie snapped. 

“Maybe it's true! Maybe you guys just reminded me of every horrible thing that happened to us, and I needed a break.” he shouted, desperately trying to sound convincing.

“Oh, and hows that working out for you huh?” Eddie asked. 

“I’m fucking _ fine _.”

“Yup, sure, _ just _fine, I watched you put away half a bottle of whiskey tonight Rich.”

“I have always drank like a fish Eddie, not that you’d fucking know.” 

“So your an alcoholic, great “processing” skills there dude.”

“I’m not an alcoholic” Richie gritted out.

“Sounds like denial…”

“I am _ not _ an alcoholic Eddie!” Richie barked, stepping into the room menacingly, Eddie flinched but didn’t back down, shoulders square, arms crossed defiantly across his chest. “Fine” Richie continued “maybe I drink a little more than I should, but it’s better than what I could be doing, what I have done!” He could feel himself losing what semblance of control he had, his emotions were starting to run away with him. It was like Eddies mere presence was peeling back the thin veil he’d carefully wrapped himself in. 

“Oh and what was that?”Eddie asked snidely, his emotions on full display now as well, he’d rarely been this pissed at anyone, but his eyes betrayed him. He wasn’t just angry, he was sad, and hurt and confused. 

_ You may be able to see through me, but I can see through you too, bitch. _

“What, were you just doing shots of rubbing alcohol? A little you know…” Eddie pinched one nostril and made a loud sniffing sound through the other, the implication was obvious and it made white hot rage flood Richie right to his finger tips. “...before your shows or maybe…”

“No!” Richie snarled shoving Eddie back, “I fucking tried to kill himself you absolute asshole!” The silence was so complete it was almost loud as Richie yanked his sleeve up and shoved his railroad-track scarred forearm with its nasty bisecting line in Eddie’s face. Richie made him look for a moment before he pulled the sleeve back down and glared down at Eddie who looked horrified, just not at Richie. Richie scoffed. 

“Fuck you dude” and turned to walk out of the room, heart hammering in his ears. 

“Richie,” Eddies voice was weak and quiet, he almost didn’t hear him, but paused when a hand closed lightly around his sleeve. 

_ I really didn’t want to fight _ . _ God I missed you. _

He didn’t turn around as Eddies voice started to cut through the noise in his head. 

“I’m sorry, fuck, Richie, I’m so fucking sorry, I should know better, Jesus christ what is wrong with me.” Richie could feel Eddie coming closer until he felt a bump against the back of his shoulder. Eddie had pressed his forehead against his back and Richie could almost feel how sorry he was through that one tiny point of contact. 

“That was such a dickish thing to say.”

“Yeah” Richie said, his voice sounded croaky “it fucking was.”

“I should have known better.”

“How could you have known? Like you said… it’s not like I was talking to anyone.” Richie ran his knuckles up and down the inside of his scarred arm mechanically. They hadn’t hurt in a while now, that long vertical line long since healed over, but right now it was the only thing his mind could focus on. Like he could feel the ridges catching on the inside of his sleeve. 

“That’s not a good reason. I’m sorry.” Eddies voice was so sad, and it drained the last of the anger away, he didn’t know, he was upset, and clearly hurting himself, because he was right , they didn’t talk anymore. And that was Richie’s fault. 

He turned around, pulling away from Eddies touch and shoving his hands back into his pockets. 

The post-fight silence hung long and heavy in the air, Eddie looked like a kicked puppy, shame blanketing his face. 

“Bev smokes like a chimney” he said eventually, still not able to meet Richie’s eyes. “She’s up to three packs a day, and Ben is _ really _restrictive about his eating, like… eating disorder restrictive.” He glanced up finally, took a breath through his nose and continued “Mike, gambles, not enough for it to be an addiction, but heading down that road, and Bill runs, for miles, every single day, always says he’s training for a marathon but he never signs up for one. I guess we all have our thing” Eddie finished quietly. 

“What’s your thing?” Richie asked. Eddie exhaled slowly.

“I uh…” Richie watched as the muscle in his jaw jumped when he clenched and unclenched his teeth. An anxious tick, and Richie was suddenly overtaken with a ridiculous urge to kiss the tension away. He banished the thought. “I got hooked on my painkillers.” 

“Eds...”

“Its okay now!’ He amended quickly “I got a ahold of it before it got really out of hand, I’m clean now, but… man… it was _ too _ easy, Myra kept pumping me full of the shit because it kept me quiet and compliant, and chest pain is the worst because it literally hurts when you breathe so I legitimately needed them, and honestly… after everything… it was nice to just feel nothing.” Eddie paused, catching Richies eye again, his own eyes were wide with barely controlled panic. “I hurt _ all the time _, Rich, and I never know how much of it is real residual pain or in my head and…” Richie cut him off, giving into the urge to grab and hold, and pulled him into a tight hug. He rested his chin against Eddies head and used the moment to madly blink away the tears welling up in his eyes. 

“I’m so sorry Richie” Eddie mumbled sounding beyond miserable. 

“Me too Eds.” They stood like that for a moment before pulling apart. Richie resisted the urge to kiss his hair. He leaned on the doorframe again and crossed his arm, “jesus, what the fuck are we doing?” He asked, incredulous. Eddie shrugged, the anger from a moment before forgotten, and made his way over to sit heavily on the edge of the bed.

“I don’t know, pretending that we’re functional people when we’re not? Trying to ignore the fact that we all almost died last year, and when we were all kids?”

“And that one os us did actually die.” Richie added sadly coming into the room to sit beside him. Eddie nodded. They were both very quiet for a little while, just existing in the same space, they both subconsciously leaned into the other. 

“How much do you remember, after It…” Richie started, he couldn’t quite finish the thought, but Eddie understood.

“Everything up to you floating in those deadlights… after that everything is just… messy and confusing. I get flashes that don’t make a lot of sense. I remember a lot of shouting and noise, and being picked up then it was bright, I remember Bev’s hair in my face…” His face was scrunched up as he tried to put the pieces together. “I remember you yelling at Myra” he cracked a smile, “did I dream that?” 

“Nope” Richie said “she was mad at me for “tainting” you…” he rolled his eyes and Eddie lifted and eyebrow at him.

“Tainting” me?” 

“Yep,” Richie bumped his shoulder with his own, “you got a couple pints of Tozier blood in your veins there buddy, and because… well… because I’m…” he trailed off, cleared his throat and started again “well I’m me, she wasn’t too happy about it.”

“You gave me blood?” Eddie asked gently. Richie was struck with how grateful and shocked he was. 

“Yeah, universal donor…” he paused.

_ Be honest Richie, for fucking once, you owe him a modicum of honesty. _

“I watched you bleed out. It was the least I could do.” He took a deep breath. “I’m really glad you don't remember much Eds… because I do… and I wish I could forget it.” He hung his head and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Tell me?” Eddies voice was gentle, he was asking because he knew Richie needed to talk about it, not because he really wanted to know. Richie shook his head. He wouldn’t do that to him. “Rich.” He rested a hand on his shoulder and Richie sighed. 

Almost before he could think, the story came out, tumbling off his tongue like a waterfall. He talked about pulling Eddie out of the sewers while everything crashed down around them. 

Him screaming in agony in Richie’s arms as they hauled him out. 

Being covered, absolutely soaked, in his blood. 

He recounted falling to his knees once they got outside, body collapsing in exhaustion. The sound of Neibolt falling in on itself became just background noise as he clutched Eddies limp, pale, body, not able to let go, but not helping either. Ben had to physically drag him away so that he and Bill could work. Bev sat with Richie, rubbing his arms trying to break him out of his stupor, as Bill and Ben tried their best to stabilize Eddie using the instructions Mike relayed from the 911 operator on the phone. 

When the paramedics arrived, Bev berated them until Richie was allowed to ride in the ambulance with Eddie on the way to the hospital.

As soon as they arrived, Richie and Bill were whisked away to donate as much blood as Eddie needed and then they wandered back to the waiting room where Mike, Bev and Ben were waiting.

It had been the longest damn wait of his life. They were all covered in dirt, and blood and sewer sludge, they all reeked like death and they sat, for hours, waiting for any news on their Eddie. 

They gave up on the hard plastic chairs early on, opting instead to sit in a pile on the floor, curled up together like a litter of puppies under the scratchy blankets the nurses had brought them. They couldn’t be prised apart, arms around each other, holding hands, linking arms, heads resting on shoulders, always some part of them touching someone else like it physically hurt to be seperated. 

Richie was almost totally unresponsive in his shock, and The Losers kept him in the middle of them all, aware of just how much he needed their love. 

At one point, Bev was sat leaning against his bent knees with Ben asleep, head in her lap. Richie had spotted a chunk of something gross tangled in her hair. He gently pulled it out and then untangled the knot it had been caught in, and then another and another until he was combing through her hair with his fingers, pulling out gunk and working out tangles while she tipped her head back, eyes closed and smiling sleepily. 

He had gotten really fixated on the little project, it was somewhere to focus his attention other than the gnawing fear and gaping emptiness he felt, he kept at it until her hair was relatively clean and smooth and braided back (a skill he’d picked up in college when his hair was obnoxiously long and unruly). 

In that time, Mike and Bill had wandered off and come back with wet wipes, towels and a couple bowls of hot water, and the whole thing devolved into a weird little grooming circle. They peeled off the grossest outer layers of clothes and wiped down their skin as best they could. They worked in silence, helping each other get the sewer out of their hair grime off their backs until they were all a little less disgusting, a little more alive. 

Richie sat cross legged with his broken glasses in his hands trying to clean them when it suddenly occurred to him that the blood wedged into the cracked lens was Eddie’s. All at once, the stress of everything crashed on him like a wave, he let out a wounded, broken sound and before he could stop it he was doubled over, clutching the glasses to his chest sobbing openly. The Losers were there immediately, wrapping themselves around him while he cried. He clung to them, letting their weight and their hands ground him. He held Bills hand tightly and hid his face in Mikes neck while Bev curled herself around his other arm and Ben wrapped his long arms around as many of them as he could, his cheek resting on Richies back.

Eventually he cried himself out and his body sagged in exhaustion. They stayed snuggled together like that for another stretch of time before finally, _ finally _ the doctor came in.

They all shot to their feet in near perfect unison, only to almost collapse again in sheer relief when they heard Eddie was alive and stable. They laughed and whooped and hugged each other and In their rush of excitement they went back to the Inn, changed, cleaned themselves properly this time, ate and came back.

Eddie was basically comatose, we wouldn’t wake up for a few days, but when he did the first thing he saw was The Losers, hanging over him and crying with relief. After that, the doctors demanded that one of them become the primary care contact and Richie signed himself up immediately.

Ben footed the bill getting Eddie his own private room, Richie set up camp and there he stayed for weeks with a rotating detail of the other Losers.

Eventually, unfortunately, but inevitably, Myra showed up, and Richie and the Losers were all unceremoniously kicked to the curb. 

Richie fought the doctors and Myra to be allowed to stay, they all fought the doctors and Myra to allow at least Richie to stay, but to no avail. Without Eddie being conscious enough to make his own demands, his wife had power of attorney and the doctors had no choice but to release him into her care. She whisked him away back to New York as soon as she could and that was that, Eddie was alive, but he was still gone. The only thing left to do now was to go home, and pray they didn’t forget again.

Richie finished telling the story, now shaking and holding back tears, aware of how Eddies hand had wandered from his shoulder to press comfortingly against the back of his neck, fingertips tangled a tiny bit in the curls there, he didn’t want to admit how nice that felt. 

“And, that’s why I still don’t really get why you’re here.”

“I don’t understand.” Eddie said, and Richie forced himself to look at him, he was very close. 

“I didn’t help, I just let you bleed out after Neibolt… I just sat there like a fucking idiot while you died and then with Myra, I…” he paused, angry with himself, “and then afterwards, you’re right, I didn’t talk to you for so long… didn’t even try. I was so fucking selfish.” he hung his head, Eddie was quiet and Richie was sure he was going to pull away any moment. 

“You were scared, and hurting, and not coping well. None of us are, let’s face it” Eddie said quietly, he smiled a little sadly, “you gave me blood, I wouldn’t have lived without that, you also didn’t leave me down there…”

“I’d never” Richie said fiercely, looking up “even if you were…” he couldn’t finish that thought. “There is _ no way _ I’d leave you in that place.” His eyes were wide and a bit glassy. Eddie stared back at him, not shying from the intensity of the gaze. 

“I lied to you” he said abruptly, not breaking eye contact. “Work _ was _going to send me here, but the event got cancelled, I just didn’t tell Myra that. I let her believe that I was still going to work and then arranged to have her served her while I was on the plane so that she couldn’t call me till at least after I landed. I took the cowards way out, and I came here anyway because, more than anything, I wanted…” he paused and swallowed hard, “you” he finished. Richie felt like he’d been punched in the chest. He stared at Eddie, jaw a bit slack. 

“I needed you. I needed to be with someone who didn’t make me feel small, or like I was made of glass.”

“And… t-thats me?” Richie muttered, stammering like Bill. Eddie smirked. 

“Yeah, dumbass, you are literally the _ only _ person, Losers included as much as I love them, who has ever made me feel brave, or capable. I _ really _missed you while I was healing Richie I’m not going to lie.”

“I almost killed you” was the only response Richie had, “I didn’t think you’d want to see me.”

“Pennywise almost killed me,” Richie flinched a bit at the name. “You did everything you could to try and save me. I know you did.” Richie was quiet, for once, letting that sink in, before he spoke again.

“I… think I also took the cowards way out. After Myra took you home, it was like… an out? I didn’t have to face anything because you weren't there to make me face it. That’s why I didn’t reach out…” he looked away, he couldn’t look at him, not for this. “Because you fucking… you terrify me Eds. You always have… ever since we were kids, I was always afraid for you, afraid…” he trailed off. His chest tightened, anxiety crawling up his throat like a spider. He hung his head in shame, tears prickling at the back of his eyes. He didn’t want to cry, but he probably will… he doesn’t know why he’s doing this now, after all this time, after he finally got his Eds back, he’s just going to push him away again; but he spoke anyway, and it all came out in a rush. 

Trashmouth Tozier never knew when to shut up. “Afraid of you, afraid of myself and how I feel about you and how you made me feel… because, fuck… thats it Eddie, thats the truth, the truth that Pennywise knew, the truth that Myra knew, why she was so angry at me for giving you my blood… that I’m…” he choked and pushed Eddies hand off before he said the last part, didn’t want to physically feel the rejection he knew was coming. “Fuck… I’m in love with you Eds. Have been since we were 14. And I’m terrified that you’re going to walk out now and never talk to me again, and I’d get it but… all I can do is just ask you not to… I’ll never bring this up, talk about it ever again, I just…”

“Richie, stop” Eddie interrupted. His voice was soft, a little shocked, but not unkind. The hand came back, pressed against the back of his neck, a bit of pressure from his fingers forcing Richie to turn and look at him. Richie must have looked a mess, eyes red and mouth pressed into a tight line as he tried not to cry, and Eddie looked sad. 

_ Of course he fucking pities you _

“Obviously I wasn’t clear” Eddie said, then with no warning at all, he closed the gap between them and pressed his lips to Richie’s. 

Richie didn’t react. Couldn't react. His brain was racing to catch up with what the hell was happening. It felt like a million years later, but was probably only a moment, before Richie brought his hand up to cup Eddies jaw, thumb brushing against the scar on his cheek. He felt Eddie smile against his mouth and finally Richie returned the kiss, moving his lips chastely against Eddies. He kept his eyes tightly closed, half expecting that if he opened them he’d see Pennywise in front of him. Just another twisted, fucking dream. 

_ This cannot be real. _

Their lips separated, still nose to nose, forehead to forehead, Eddies hand warm on the back of Richies neck and Richie’s thumb still skating over the ridge of Eddie’s scar. He cracked his eyes open just a tiny bit and saw Eddie’s thin nose, his high cheekbones, his sincere eyes staring back at him. His fingers stroked the hair at the base of his neck and Richie felt a chill run down his spine. He needed another taste, more evidence that this wasn’t fake, or just another pathetic, desperate dream. So he kissed him again. Slotting their lips together slowly and carefully, like Eddie might suddenly come to his senses and run from the room, but he didn’t. He followed Richies lead kissing him back gently. Richie was vaguely aware that he was shaking with nerves and adrenaline but he didn’t want to break away. He only did when he suddenly realized that he was holding his breath. He broke the kiss and gasped against Eddies mouth, sucking in a great lungful of air before pulling back. 

He stared at Eddie in shock. He looked almost as surprised as Richie did, but he wore a soft happy expression that twisted into Richie’s heart. He pulled back a little more, thoughts and feelings running rampant through his brain. He searched Eddies eyes looking for the joke, for the punchline for the sudden horrified realization that he’d made a critical mistake but there was none. Just sincerity, and nerves in equal measure. 

Slowly Richie felt his expression shift back to something more normal instead of the gawking shocked face he’d been wearing. He knew it had returned to normal when Eddie offered him another lopsided smile. When Richie spoke again, it was with that same “everything is a joke” tone of voice he always had, but to Richie, it didn’t feel fake this time. 

“Wow Kaspbrak” he said, “you really did grow some balls.” Eddie rolled his eyes 

“Oh my god” he groaned. Richie was smiling now, the classic cocky Tozier smile, all teeth, and mischievousness and a little glint of trouble, trying to shake of the tension.

“No I’m serious” he said dramatically, “you’ve got huge, brass… nay, iron balls” he chuckled and pulled away from Eddie as he tried to cover his mouth with his hand “like I mean, even bigger than mine and now that’s saying something…” Eddie managed to capture his face between his hands.

“Okay! Beep, Beep Richie” He said playfully and then they were kissing in earnest. Past being unsure, or confused, or unclear, Eddie dragged Richie down into the kiss and Richie went willingly, his hand coming back up to his cheek, his long fingers curling against the back of Eddie’s head, possessive and a little bit desperate. 

Eddie held him just as tightly, opening his mouth to deepen the kiss the tip of his tongue brushing against Richies bottom lip asking for entrance, that Richie immediately provided. Their tongues curled together, and the noises Eddie made against Richies mouth shot a bolt of arousal through his body that Richie hadn’t felt in years. 

Richie felt electric, a little bit insane, and he was so far past caring. He pressed himself close, explored every inch of Eddie’s mouth with his tongue, and Eddie let him, clinging to Richie and kissing back just as hard. He gripped Richie’s shirt and licked sinfully into his mouth in a way that made Richie feel like he might catch on fire. 

After a few minutes Richie started to maneuver them into a more comfortable position and Eddie surprised him yet again by swinging leg over Richie to straddle his thighs, settling down in his lap. Richie’s mouth went dry as Eddie got comfortable, hands resting on Richies shoulders as Richie stared up at him like he was a god. 

“Jesus, Eds” Richie breathed reclining back on one arm. He placed one hand on Eddies thigh, sliding it slowly up towards his hip, “you better never let anyone tell you you’re a coward ever again.” He surged up and kissed him hard, kind of enjoying the fact that, for once, Eddie was above him bending down to kiss him so deeply Richie thought he might reach down to his soul. Richie wrapped one arm tightly around his back and shifted their weight so he could sit up straight, freeing his other hand to run up his body from hip to neck. The motion ground their clothed cocks together and they both hissed against each others mouths at the sweet friction. 

Eddies oversized sweater had shifted, exposing his long neck and the top of his chest and collar bone. Richie had tried not to look before, but not now. He kissed down his neck, peppering the skin with nips and gentle sucking kisses, pausing at the soft space where his neck met his shoulder and sucking a bruise there. Eddie made a breathy noise and rolled his hips against him, enough to make Richie groan and dig his fingers into Eddies thigh and stretch up to capture his lips again. Both Eddies hands fisted into Richie's hair, gripping tightly as they rocked against each other causing a teasing friction that left them both moaning and sighing into their kiss. 

Richie slid his hands up Eddies sides and under his shirt, his hands wide and flat, relishing the feeling of his warm smooth skin under his palms, while Eddie mouthed hotly along his jawline and down his throat. He started to push Eddies sweater up and off when suddenly Eddie stopped moving. Richie’s eyes snapped to his. Ready to yank his hands back, but Eddie just gently held his wrists, pausing his movements. 

“Wait, wait.” he said hesitantly, “it’s just… I’m pretty busted up Rich…” Richies anxiety lowered and he pulled his hands out from under Eddies shirt. 

“It’s just a scar Eds," he cupped his jaw again, his heart soaring when Eddie leaned into the touch, he drew him closer to press their foreheads together "I want to see you. You don’t have to though, it’s whatever _ you _ want.” 

“I want to” Eddie said “but… I’m… well it’s fucking bad, It looks bad...” 

“I _ do not _ care” Richie said furiously bringing his other hand up to Eddie's other cheek. He could practically _ hear _ Myra telling Eddie that he was hideous and disfigured and that no one but her would love him like this. 

_ Well I love him _.

Eddie took a deep breath and then before he could think about it much more he pulled the sweater off over his head and cast it aside, looking adorably shy and nervous. 

If Richie was being honest with himself - and god, he was really, _ really _trying to be honest with himself - he could admit he was a little bit scared to see Eddies scar. Not because he was afraid it would be ugly, but because he was afraid that it would bring up awful visceral memories of Eddie bleeding out in his arms. But it didn’t. As Richie’s eyes travelled down to land on the knotted, raised circle of scar tissue in Eddies chest, the only thing he felt was an aggressive wave of relief so powerful it almost knocked the wind clean out of him. 

This wasn't a reminder of what he’d almost lost.

This was evidence of what, against every fucking odd, he still had. Proof that Eddie Kaspbrak was still, miraculously, alive, and here, in his house, and in his arms and Richie almost sobbed with the weight of that. But he was resolutely done with crying today, so instead he leaned forward and pressed a greedy kiss to the middle of the scar receiving a surprised yelp from Eddie and cutting off his insecure mumbling. Richie’s hands slid up his back holding him firmly in place as he kissed and touched and nipped all over Eddies chest, and neck until he was shuddering and sighing above him. Feeling bold he dipped forward and sucked lightly on a nipple, Eddie groaned against the shell of Richies ear so he sucked a little harder and the groan deepened into almost a growl, a sound that went straight to Richie’s dick. 

He slowly kissed his way up Eddies neck to his mouth again, talking between kisses. 

“God your so fucking hot. How are you so hot? your perfect, so much more perfect than I ever imagined, and I imagined it a lot.” Eddie pulled back.

_ Fuck, too far trashmouth. _

“You have?” Eddie asked, and Richie met his eyes, letting his expression soften to something real and sincere. 

“Yeah” he said like it was the most obvious thing in the world, to him it was. “All the time, even when I didn’t remember you, it was you, Eds, it was always you…” Eddie crashed his lips against his so hard it hurt, but in the best way. All decorum was gone, they were acting like the horny young men they never got a chance to be. All wandering hands and tongues, thrusting shamelessly against each other, every move accompanied with a moan or a gasp or a mumbled word of encouragement. Eventually Eddie plucked Richie’s glasses off his face and and reached behind himself to drop them on the nearby dresser. 

His back arched obscenely, Making Richie think of the hot brown haired twinks in the porn he watched. God he really had a type. He made a frankly embarrassing noise and kissed Eddie’s stomach roughly, fingers digging into his lower back, bucking his hips up making Eddie let out a noise that made Richie want to eat him alive. Eddie came back, fumbled with the zipper on Richies hoodie and shoved it off his shoulders, clawing at the T-shirt underneath, practically ripping it off all the while grinding his hips against Richie’s until he was aching and leaking precome into his shorts. 

This was going to kill him, Richie was sure of it, as Eddie sucked a hickey into his neck.

_ And I will die a happy fucking man, thats more than I could have ever hoped for. _

Eddie was all over him, hands everywhere, it was making him crazy.  
“Fuck, Eds, God, what do you want? I’ll do anything _ .” _Eddie stilled in his lap and Richie spoke in his ear, “seriously, anything you want, for you, or for me, I don’t care, anything.” he was aware how desperate he sounded, but he didn’t care. Not now. 

“I...” Eddie started and then trailed off, suddenly shy. 

_ Well now I’m curious _

“What is it Eds” Richie asked pulling back, cheeky smile back in place. The hand that had been gripping Eddie's hip only a moment ago, started to wander across his lower abdomen. Eddie watched and didn’t move to stop him, chest heaving. Richie stared up at him, his fingers teasing the waistband of his sweatpants. 

“Something you want to do to me?” he asked, Eddie shook his head, all the bravado of being the one to make the first move gone. “So for you then” Richie whispered, he dragged his lips along Eddie’s neck as he dipped his hand into his sweatpants, lightly grazing his cock that was rock hard against his fingertips. It made Richie’s own length grow impossibly harder.

“Tell me what you want Eds, and I’ll do it.” Richie should have known by now that Eddie is full of surprises. He muttered something that Richie didn’t catch, so he dragged his palm more firmly against Eddies cock. 

“Didn’t catch that?” Eddie grabbed his wrist, stopping his ministrations and spoke more clearly, voice strained with arousal. 

“Blow me, Richie.” it took Richie a second to process that Eddie wasn’t just snarking at him, that was his request. And after a moment Richie grinned wolfishly, wrapping both arms around Eddie and flipping them so he was on his back. Eddie yelped and laughed as Richie covered his body with his own, pinning his arms down above his head, fingers laced together, lips coming down to claim yet another searing kiss so filthy he half expected OCD Eddie to be turned off by it and yet he was bucking his hips up against Richie, desperate for some friction, some relief. Richie smirked and sucked a path down his body, pausing to lave some attention on a nipple which got the moan Richie had been hoping for. 

He eventually let go of Eddies hands and gripped his hips, pushing him up the bed so he could lie on his stomach in the cradle of Eddie’s thighs. He paused here, resting his chin against Eddies hip as his fingers teased any skin they could touch.

“You ever had a blow job Eds?” he asked sincerely, Eddie went red as he propped himself up on his elbows. 

“Once, when I was in College, she was drunk though, so was I, Myra and I never...” He cleared his throat, “I assume you have… experience…” Eddie asked. 

_ Be honest _

“Both giving and receiving, yeah. some no-name guy in some no-name bar” he said, “is that okay?” 

“Yeah, of course” Eddie said “I mean… your mouth has gotta be good for more than just talking” he added and Richie laughed, he slid back up Eddies body. 

“Oh you have no idea,” he said and kissed him once more before standing up abruptly and grabbing his glasses.

“I want to see this” he said, looking down at Eddie half naked and perfect sprawled out on the bed before him. He curled his fingers into the waistband of Eddie’s sweatpants, waited for Eddie to nod and lift his hips a bit and then pulled them and his boxers off in one motion. Like everything else about Eddie, his cock was perfect. Exactly right in every way, curving up towards his flat belly from a thatch of perfectly groomed hair. 

_ Of course he manscapes. _

Richie started at Eddie’s lips again, another deep kiss, a slow procession down his lithe, scarred body. Richie lowered himself between Eddies legs, kissing and nibbling the skin of his inner thighs until Eddie was writhing above him, head thrown back in pleasure and frustration. Richie was not about to be rushed. Slowly he licked a long hot stripe up the underside of Eddie’s cock from root to tip with the flat of his tongue. Eddie cried out, hands twisting into the sheets.

Richie swirled his tongue around the head before taking a deep breath and engulfing as much of Eddie as he could, wrapping his hand around the base, he didn’t move for a moment, as Eddie panted, then started to suck as he slowly pulled back, suckling at the tip before sliding back down and starting to bob up and down. 

“Oh, _ god, _ ah... _ fuck _” Eddie choked out moaning and gasping, letting out a string of swears that could rival Richie as he he found a steady rythm, pulling off, laving at the head, tasting the precome and then sliding back down again, jerking his fist in time as Eddie absolutely fell apart above him. Richie pressed the heel of his hand into his own erection just for something to take the edge off before focusing his attention back on Eddie. He held his hips down forcing him to stay still while Richie worked him to moaning, wanton, pleasure. One of Eddie’s hands found its way into Richie’s hair and the other left scratches on his shoulder as he continued to swear and beg for more. 

Eddie’s breathing started to hitch and stutter and Richie knew he was close. He took a deep breath and sank as far down as he could until he felt the head of Eddie’s cock bump the back of his throat. He swallowed around him and Eddie practically sobbed with pleasure. Richie sucked hard and pulled off as Eddie cried out. 

“Richie! _ God, please _ , I’m gonna… _ ah! _” Richie crawled up his body jerking him in his fist, letting him thrust up into the tight grip now.

“You’re so fucking hot, Eddie,” Richie growled in Eddie’s ear, “God I could come just watching you like this, come on Eds.” It only took a few more flicks of the wrist before Eddie came, crying out, head thrown back as Richie stroked him through it. 

Richie let him go and got up off the bed to go to the washroom to wash his hands and grab a cloth. He knew Eds well enough to know he’d be freaked out by being this filthy. On a whim he quickly brushed his teeth as well, as much as he didn’t want to lose the taste of Eddie on his tongue. 

He stepped back into the room to find Eddie boneless on the bed, looking thoroughly fucked out. Richie sat beside him and cleaned him off with the cloth, taking care to be gentle with this spent, over sensitive cock. He flinched a little anyway, opening his eyes and reaching out to him. Richie went willingly kissing him gently, the heat of the moment burned off, despite how hard he still was. He was an adult. He could deal with it later. 

“Did you brush your teeth?” Eddie asked, 

“Figured you wouldn’t like the germs” Richie replied. Eddie beamed and it was all Richie ever wanted to see ever again. 

They kissed languidly for a few moments as Eddie came back from his high, gentle fingers running over Richie's body leaving sparks in their wake. Richie had cast off his glasses again and was burying his nose in Eddie's neck breathing in the smell of sweat and sex and warmth, devouring it like a starving man. He felt the ghost of fingertips press questioningly against his length still straining against his shorts and sweats and it sent a tingle of pleasure up his spine like a live wire. He sighed in Eddie's ear who took that as permission to palm him more firmly through his sweats.

_ He feels obligated, you know him, he’s a hypochondriac with severe OCD. _

"Eddie, stop" Richie said catching his wrist and pulling back to look him in the eye, Eddie looked confused. 

"You don't want…"

"Oh I do, god I so do…" Richie said, aware of how tight his voice sounded, "but I know you don't, and I don't want you to feel like you have to."

Eddie frowned and propped himself up on his elbows.

"Richie. Do you remember what I said?"

"Uh…"

"I wanted to be with someone who didn't treat me like I would break." He spoke determinedly, readying for a fight. 

"I'm not Ed's… I just…" he exhaled slowly scrubbing a hand over his face.

"I don't want you to feel like you have to … prove anything or put yourself in an uncomfortable position…" 

_ It's one thing to get a good blow job from a fag, it's another thing entirely to be one yourself. _

God, he hated himself for that thought. 

"You think I don't want you." Eddie said and Richie stilled. Eddie shuffled closer, turning onto his side, close enough that Richie could see him without his glasses.

"Listen to me Tozier. I left my wife and I flew across the country for you. Maybe I wasn't sure that's what I was doing but… it was. I should have never married her."

"You shouldn't have married her because she was your mother…"

"That too… but I never loved her, not even for a minute because you know what Richie?" Eddie ran a thumb over Richie's bottom lip and Richie felt his breath hitch in his chest, "it was you too. It was always this gangly, curly, haired, trashmouth that I couldn’t remember, but never got over. I won't apologize for forgetting you because that wasn't my fault. But I'm here, and I remember and I don't want you to think this just a pity fuck or a one time thing because, God I can't believe I'm saying this, I'm really _ really _in love with you too." Richie didn't notice he was crying until he seized Eddie's lips with his own and tasted the salt. 

They were pressed together chest to chest, mouth to mouth legs tangled and arms grabbing, holding, doing their best to become one being as the bubble of panic and terror Richie realized he'd had in his chest for decades finally burst. They kissed like it was oxygen, and Eddie's hands began to wander again. This time Richie didn't stop him. But Eddie did pause, looking serious.

"You are right though…" he looked a little ashamed, "I'm better than I was but I just…. I still can't with the mess and the germs…" 

"I know, it's okay.”

"I want to… " he slipped his hand into Richie's sweats, but still over the boxers hand warm against his cock. "This is all I can offer right now."

"God, that's fine" Richie groaned as Eddie rubbed him through his shorts. Just knowing it was Eddie's hand on him was enough to send him racing towards the edge. 

"I'll get better, I’ll work on it." Eddie promised.

"I know... I know… ah _ fuck" _ Richie rambled as he gently thrust against Eddie's grip. "But this is …. Oh… this is good." 

"Yeah?" Eddie asked curling his fingers and stroking him through the fabric, fingers gentle and exploring. He rubbed his thumb over the head and pressed his lips to Richie’s ear “I want you to fuck me some day soon, Richie.” Richie nearly came like a teenager right there. 

"Yeah, _ God _ yeah” he moaned, Eddie smiled and brought his other hand up to tease a nipple while also sucking at the pulse point on Richie's neck. 

He swore and rambled and moaned as Eddie played with him, all his touches light and teasing. Just on this side of infuriating, almost like being edged which Richie had been known to dabble in. He moaned long and low in Eddie's ear at the thought of Eddie edging him. God that was hot.

"Ed's…_ uhh…. _ I'm close, let me… _ ah _ let me finish."

"I got you" Eddie whispered, gripping him more tightly and pumping him barely three times before Richie came in his shorts, climax rushing down his spine as he let out a string of swears that left Eddie laughing as he gently rubbed him through it. Eddie was gone in an instant as Richie struggled to catch his breath. He heard the water running in the bathroom and as much as he wanted to just sag into the bed, he forced himself to get up and quickly clean himself up before Ed's came back. 

They were both naked now and Richie suddenly felt self conscious as Eddie scanned him, taking him in. 

They met and came together again, tangling themselves back together skin blessedly on skin. They were both quiet, kissing gently, stroking and smoothing back sex mussed hair. Richie dug his fingers into the muscle of Eddie's back near his scar and Eddie melted into the touch. 

_ I will give him back massages every day forever _he thought wildly. 

"What's this?" He finally asked picking up Eddie's right arm.

_ The one he broke that summer. _

On the forearm just below the elbow was a tiny tattoo. "_ You _got a tattoo?' he asked incredulous.

"Yes" Eddie said running his thumb over it "it took some working up to it but I did it… and I love it."

"My glasses are off" Richie said squinting at the word "what's it say?" 

'Loser.' Richie looked up, "we all have one, except you. You were the last stop." Richie grinned madly catching Edie's face in his hands and kissing him deeply.

"We’ll go tomorrow, I know a guy" he rolled them over so Eddie was pinned beneath his body, "I'll get it tattooed on my ass" he added and Eddie laughed. 

"I expected nothing less.”

They kissed for a few more minutes before lapsing into a cozy silence, Eddie curled into Richies side. 

"Are we gonna talk about this?" Eddie asked eventually, brushing his fingers along Richies railroad track scars. 

_ No, not tonight, not ever, god you don't need that burden… _

"It started as a reminder, because I was afraid I'd forget again, but… obviously I remembered _ everything _ and that was worse." He made himself start talking before he could convince himself not to. Eddie just listened.

"And sometimes it's so hard to know what really happened, what's real and what's not… And with the dreams from the deadlights…" Eddie nodded against his chest. Of course he understood. "This became just like… a way to tell that this is real you know? I'm here I'm solid… not a great coping mechanism but, you know. It worked. And then… in October… there was a kid…" he choked and gritted his teeth around the memory. 

"Fuck Halloween forever man" Eddie said.

"Yeah, fuck Halloween… well there was a kid, in a mask at the fucking grocery store… And I just, fully freaked out and broke down and I don't remember much but I guess I grabbed the kid… And cops were called and it was a big mess…"

"Rich…" 

"I mean the kid was okay, it was all okay just, scary for everyone involved. Then I had to go through all the bullshit with the cops and by the time I got home I guess I was still so shook up that I wasn't focusing and… I slipped." He ran his thumb over the long scar that bisected the other thinner cuts. "It was an accident, honestly. I called 911 right away and that was when I fell off the map with you guys, and yeah… I stopped after that…" 

When Richie finished, Eddie rolled onto his stomach and rested his chin on Richie’s chest.

“Well, tomorrow we’re gonna go get you a tattoo that can be your new reminder. You’re real. You’re alive, and so am I. We killed It. It’s gone. We came out on top” He said as he placed kisses on Richies chest and neck. 

“Eddie” Richie whispered, he wrapped one hand around the back of Eddie’s neck. He paused and looked up at him and Richie looked back. This beautiful boy, turned gorgeous man. His childhood first love that somehow, came back for him, after all this time, and against all odds. He stroked his hand up and down his back and tangled his fingers into his hair. "Stay” he whispered, his voice shaking a little with the weight of the question. “Stay with me here, don't go back to New York. We will figure out the details later, just… please stay." Eddie looked like he was about to make a quippy comment but when he saw the honesty in Richie's eyes he simply smiled, pressed one more long lingering kiss on his lips and said.

"Okay." 

_____

They got four incredible days of being attached at the hip and and pretending that they weren’t going to have to eventually deal with the logistics of Eddie leaving his wife and moving to L.A. They stayed in and ignored all incoming phonecalls, text messages and emails (unless it was regarding their food delivery or a message in The Losers group chat). 

They lounged on the sofa and made out like teenagers in between episodes of Barry and Brooklyn 99 while Eddie insisted that Richie looked like Barry (Richie didn’t see it). 

They laid in bed and talked for hours about everything both silly and serious, and smoked weed on the balcony when they woke up from nightmares or when Eddies pain was too much to get to sleep, (much to Richie's delight, pot was now Eddie's favored choice of pain management).

And they could _ not _keep their hands off each other. They were constantly kissing and touching and being all over each other, learning what the other one liked and what they didn’t, which boundaries could be pushed, and which ones were hard and fast. Richie had vowed to be patient and do his very best to help with Eddie's aversion to mess and germs when it came to sex. And then on day two, they stumbled upon the holy grail of compromise when it came to Eddies issues with germs and cleanliness. Shower Sex. Richie had never been more enthusiastic to shower in his life.

Eventually though, as the original four days drew to a close, they started having to deal with reality, and Eddie managed to convince Richie that he needed to tell the rest of The Losers what he’d told him, so he begrudgingly organized a group call on the morning of day five. 

Richie sat on the sofa, leg bouncing anxiously as one by one The Losers gorgeous faces came up on FaceTime to a round of greetings and smiles. Eddie had opted to stay out of this first part and Richie heard him milling about in the kitchen. Cleaning no doubt. 

_ I swear I'm going to start cleaning more. _

He slapped on a toothy Tozier grin as he greeted his family.

"How's it hanging fuckwads!" 

They talked for a few minutes in the way that families often did. All at once, shouting over each other, the conversation consisting mainly of insults and barbs interspliced with actual life updates. 

Eddie circled into the living room and sat down in the chair, that Richie now officially considered Eddie's chair, with a coffee. He gestured to the one he'd left for Richie on the coffee table. He smiled and picked it up gratefully as the chatter came to a natural pause. 

"Hey" Richie said cutting off Mike and Ben's bickering over the most recent Star Wars film 

"I actually have something I need to say." 

“Don’t you always have something to say?” Ben quipped. Bev elbowed him.

_ She knows. _

"It's like…" Richie rubbed the back of his neck "it's kind of a lot."

"We're listening, pal" Mike said reassuringly. 

"Okay so… I feel like I kinda owe you guys some kind of explanation on the whole.... Radio silence thing." Richie twisted his sweater in his hands, he could feel Eddie's supportive eyes on him, he took a breath through his nose in the resounding quiet of his friends. 

_ Just say it Tozier. _

“The reason I was gone for like a month there is because I was in the hospital… on suicide watch.” He pulled up his sleeve to show them, holding his shaking arm in front of the webcam. Bev covered her mouth, Ben looked sad, Mike's mouth twisted into a hard, thoughtful, line and Bill rolled his eyes in the way he does when he’s trying his best not to cry. Yet, oddly, none of them looked surprised. 

So Richie did what he does best. He talked. 

He told them pretty much everything he had told Eddie that first night. When he was done he was met with such a torrent of support and love that he almost buckled with the force of it. 

There was no judgement, no unhelpful words, or backhanded comments. Just care. 

It took everything Richie had not to sob. 

"But you're… you're okay now right?" Bill asked. Richie offered a sort of sad smile. 

"I mean, yeah, as good as can be expected I guess... all things considered." The Losers all nodded in understanding, "but like… that was the last time, I haven't tried again since, I don't really keep kitchen knives or a lot of like, glass things around, I use an electric beard trimmer so… I'm okay." The relief of his family was palpable through the screen. Then Ben spoke up.

"I don't know if I believe you man… I don't think that beard has ever seen a trimmer in its life." Everyone laughed and the tension lifted. 

"Oh hey I forgot!" Richie suddenly said, he smiled and pulled down the collar of his t-shirt to reveal his "Loser" tattoo. Not on his ass as promised, but cheesily, under his left collarbone, near his heart. 

Everyone beamed and showed off theirs. Ben, on the area where the "H" scar used to be, Bev on her neck behind her ear, Mike on the inside of his bicep and Bill, on his shoulder blade, alongside a tiny paper boat. 

Richie laughed at the absurdity of it all when Bill suddenly asked

“Hold on, w-where is Eddie on this anyway? Was he n-n-not able to make the call?”

“Oh he’s uh...” Richie glanced up and tipped his head for Eddie to join him, “he’s here actually.” Eddie flopped down beside Richie and stuck his face in frame.

“Hi guys!” he said with a wave then dropped his hand out of frame, and right into Richies, tangling their fingers together. 

“Yeah he’s staying with me for a bit." Richie said,

“I uh… I officially left my wife” Eddie clarified. The Losers all made a weird kind of sound, like they weren’t quite sure if they should congratulate or sympathize, it was awkward and Richie cut in

“So he came out here to see me since apparently there was a fucking _ sleepover _that I missed out on!” Everyone chuckled as Richie dramatically went on about how sad he was to miss out on spin the bottle and pedicures. 

When the laughter died down Bev asked “so how long you staying out there for Eds?” Richie swore he saw a knowing look in her eye.

_ Why does it feel like Bev just knows everything always? _

“The foreseeable future I guess” Eddie replied, and Richie felt his heart grow warm at the concept of having Eddie for the foreseeable future. “I moved in” he finished. The Losers were quiet, and Richie felt his anxiety spike and his heartrate pick up. Mike spoke first. 

“So… moved in… like roomates or…” 

The time had come. No more stalling. Richie shook his head and picked up their joined hands for the camera.

“Nah I guess, we’re gonna see how the whole couple thing goes” he tried to inject the statement with his usual jocularity but it fell kind of flat. There was another few seconds of strained silence then Bill suddenly went

“Shit, what d-day is it?” 

“January fucking 3rd assholes!” Bev shouted. Everyone erupted into wails of melodramatic despair while Beverly laughed and Ben dipped out of frame, the jostling of their facecam seemed to indicate he’d banged his head on the desk. 

“Whoa, whoa, wait what the fuck? What is happening?” Richie yelled over the noise as everyone laughed and groaned. 

“You all owe me so much money!” Beverly said gleefully, rubbing her hands together like a cartoon supervillain “you think you boys would know by now to trust a womans intuition!”

“It’s hardly fair babe, you knew more about his divorce than the rest of us” Ben commented grumpily.

“Eddie, dude… I was b-banking on y-y-you being more of a pussy” Bill said grinning. 

“I was less than three days off” Mike said sounding halfway between happy and annoyed, “so maybe you just suck at playing the odds Benny.” Ben raised his hands in defeat. 

“Hold on! Did you guys have a fucking _ bet _going?” Eddie asked incredulously, his voice going high while Richie just gaped. Everyone erupted into laughter again. 

“Okay, you guys are assholes” Eddie snapped.

“Okay okay” Mike said waving a hand, “seriously though, guys, we’re _ thrilled _for you.”

“Yeah” Bev said kindly, tilting her head to lean it against Ben’s “you deserve to be happy.” Ben nodded, a smile plastered all over his face. 

“I’m so proud of both of you” Bill said, “Stan, would be s-s-so proud of you.” 

A sombre hush fell over everyone, eyes downcast, Eddie ran his thumb over Richie knuckles. 

“Stan already knew” Richie said quietly after a moment, “the little fucker would have run the numbers and you’d be all paying him instead of Bev.” Everyone smiled and laughed again, a little sad and watery this time. 

“Also fuck you guys” Richie added with mirth, and before he lost his nerve he grabbed Eddies chin and kissed him hard despite his wide panicky eyes. They were met with a wave of cheers and groans and shouts of “oh get a room!” Richie flipped them off. 

“Oh we have a room,” he said when he pulled back, waggling his eyebrows at the camera while Eddie blushed furiously and facepalmed behind him. “Its my room, and we’ve already spent four days in it. Already had to change the sheets didn’t we?” He grinned devilishly at Eddie and bit his lip suggestively. He didn’t mention that they had to change the sheets because they spilled coffee on them and Eddie almost had a full blown panic attack trying to clean it up...

“Oh my g-g-god dude” Bill said, clapping his hands over his ears “stop!”

“Nope, no way! You fuckers bet on us, so you get to suffer the consequences and you,” he pointed at Eddie, “you signed on for this.” Eddie shook his head and wrestled himself out of Richies grip while The Losers laughed. 

“Nope I’m out, I’m getting my own place, it’s over before it even started trashmouth.” he stood up and waved at the webcam before walking away.

“Awe, come on, baby don’t be like that” Richie shouted after him. 

“Bye guys!” Eddie called over his shoulder. 

“Bye Eds!” came the reply. 

Richie and The Losers fucked around for a few more minutes after that, promised to organize some kind of getaway together in the near future and then signed off. Richie shut the laptop and went and found Eddie in the kitchen rinsing out the coffee pot. He wrapped his arms around his middle, curving over him so his chest was flush to Eddie’s back. 

“Our friends are dicks” Eddie said playfully. 

“But we love them” Richie muttered as he hooked his chin over Eddies shoulder.

“I love you” Eddie said, almost shy.

“I thought you said you were leaving me” Richie replied, already pressing kisses into Eddies neck. 

“I could probably be convinced not to” Eddie replied closing his eyes and tipping his head back against Riches shoulder. “But you’d have to use that mouth for something other than talking.” 

“That can be arranged” Richie grumbled turning Eddie in his arms to capture his mouth in a deep lingeriering kiss. It was long and soft and left them both a little breathless when they finally separated. Eddie gazed up at him. 

“I told you they would understand” he said softly pushing his fingers through Richie’s hair that he hadn’t bothered to comb after they got out of bed. The unruliness should bother Eddie, but it doesn’t seem to. Richie nodded and pressed his forehead to Eddies, holding him so their bodies connected all the way from the floor up, a smile playing at his lips. 

“I love you Eddie Spaghetti.”

“I love you too trashmouth.” And then they were kissing again, deep and all consuming, pressed up against the kitchen counter with their shared morning coffee mugs in the sink and the smell of breakfast lingering in the air, still in sleep shirts and sweatpants and feeling like they were _ finally _getting the chance to start their life, and do it right this time.

Maybe they were. 

  


**Author's Note:**

> Detailed TW list: as mentioned before. Nothing is shown (except Richie's scars) only discussed  
Self harm - the biggest one. It comes out that Richie cuts himself and in a panicky moment almost accidentally kills himself.
> 
> Drug use - Eddie mentions he got hooked on his pain meds post surgery for a while but managed to get a handle on it. He now smokes weed as a form of pain management. 
> 
> Eating disorder - they are discussing the losers vices and it's briefly mentioned that Ben is "really restrictive in his eating."
> 
> Homophobic language - poor Richie has a lot of internalized self hatred and in an internal thought calls himself a fag and worries about him somehow turning Eddie into one (internalized homophobia is a bitch ya'll)


End file.
